Bisexual / Male / 24–28 / Europe / Single /
What follows is an anonymous account from one of our friends. In light of the recent events in Orlando, we think it’s more important than ever to do what we can to eliminate shame and pursue the true liberation of sex. We remain hugely conflicted, embarrassed, ashamed and odd about sex. Sign up to our mailing list for first access to stories and services as they become available. If you would like to share a story from your own sex life that you think others will find interesting and useful, please do get in touch at email@example.com.
I had kissed a guy before. Once or twice in my life. And it was fine, it was harmless fun. Somewhere along the way I realized that I actually find men attractive; I legitimately think some are cute. What does that mean for me? I was never exactly sure about that. Am I now gay? Bisexual? How do we define that? Do I need a new identity now? Well, I figured we don’t necessarily need labels but if I must, I guess bisexual fits the best for me. I find representatives of both genders attractive, I guess you could say I just love people. Next to a short identity crisis nothing changed after that realization. I just kept on dating girls as I was mostly interested in them.
And then it happened. One fateful night, I had sex with a man for the first time. It was a friend’s goodbye party. I knew my friend (the host) was gay, but I never thought of being with him. He was in a relationship so that kind of ruled out that thought for me. I just went to the party to say goodbye to him. I arrived a bit late at the bar, some common friends were there already and we began to drink and enjoy some conversation. Drinks were consumed, hours passed. We told jokes, laughed (a lot) and generally had a really great time. I noticed at some point that this same friend started stroking my back and touching me, and it became more frequent as the evening progressed. I did not say anything, truthfully I kind of liked the attention and loving touch. Eventually, there were just three people left at the party. Him, me and a girl. We went to get a midnight snack and then the girl went home.
Suddenly there were only the two of us. I then told him I was going home — wondering what his reaction would be, and he started walking in my direction. He just kind of came with me — no comment, just walked alongside. What a smooth motherfucker. I did not ask why he was joining me, we just went. And I didn’t really mind. I just thought ‘well, this might as well happen now, why not?’ On our way home we talked about life and current events. A stranger asked me for a cigarette, after giving him one the stranger inquired, “you guys fags?” What an asshole. We looked at each other, and my friend said no. We left and he told me it’s easier to say no, it’s simply not a discussion you want to have at this hour.
We got to my place and I offered him a drink. We had a beer, sat in chairs, and talked. We didn’t really finish the beers, we both were tired and wanted to go to bed. He asked if he could stay the night and I told him he could. We both undressed individually. There we were — two dudes in the same room each only wearing black boxer briefs. He was totally ripped, six pack and all, standing next to my king size bed. I remember thinking of course he is ripped, he’s gay. Every professional gay guy is ripped. At least that was the perception in my mind. Anyhow. Back to topic at hand.
I have one big blanket. It’s wider than two meters, so you don’t need to lie so close to each other, but at the same time you also don’t have your own blanket. If one was to analyze the situation, these next moments were crucial. Where do we both lie down? Do we turn off the lights? Do we lie on opposite sides of the bed? So many questions. We ended up both lying down fairly close to the middle, he turned his back to me and scooped into small spoon position, I then put my arm around him. He is as firm as a brick. Cuddling him felt very different from what I was used to. Girls are smooth and soft; this guy is firm, very firm. I touched him very gently, I did not dare to really grab him fully yet.
We started caressing each others skin. At some point he turned his head and we kissed. There was no going back after this, we both knew where this was heading. All the barriers were officially broken. We started to touch each other more, our hands wandered all over our bodies. It was familiar (hey, I’ve had sex before) but somehow not familiar at all. He had a very strong energy, an active energy and I could feel that we were on the same wavelength. We knew what we both wanted and we knew that we were fully capable of giving it to each other. We were equally into it and actively going for it. I felt like we had a strong sense of understanding. It felt more equal than the sex I have with women. With girls there is sometimes a feeling of responsibility for me as a man, to make sure she is doing okay, to please her, to perform even, to cater to her every need and desire. But not with him. We are equals and we are working on this together. Teamwork, baby. Let’s have sex.
He probably knew that I was inexperienced with other men, maybe he even guessed correctly that it was my first time. Anyhow, he kind of took the lead and did not pressure me in any way to do anything I didn’t want to do (very nice of him). We touched each other, he gave me a sensational blowjob, and then he turned his back to me and with his hand guided me into position to penetrate him. We did not use any lube; I guess he’s a pro so it wasn’t an issue for him. He didn’t say anything, just moaned joyfully. We also did not use a condom. This is something that I will definitely remember next time, but this time around I just didn’t think of it, probably because he can’t get pregnant. However STDs are still a thing. Next time definitely. Today I certainly regret that I didn’t use one. Not because I caught something (because I didn’t — phew!) but because I could have.
We had sex in just the one position. Looking back I am just a very passive character in this story. I didn’t engage in creating more positions, there also wasn’t a lot of verbal communication. We didn’t talk while it was happening. Maybe we were afraid to scare away the wonderful situation that we held in our hands. I reached around to grab his penis — rock.hard. — but I felt like a fool. I’ve had a lot of practice handling my own penis since I was fourteen. But now it was all different, likely because there was no direct sensational feedback for me. I feel like I suck at handjobs if it’s not my own dick. It was a truly new experience and technique I got to learn. I tried to calm myself and think about how I tried to explain the technique to inexperienced girls in the past. One word jumped into my mind: ‘softer’. I’ll go with that. I gave him a very gentle handjob, trying not to press too hard or rub too hard, just be very gentle. Truthfully, I wasn’t even sure if he came. He kept on going though, and decided to give me a second blowjob. When it was all said and done, I came three times. Twice from blowjobs and once inside him. Crazy night.
We go to sleep in each other’s arms afterwards. The next morning he left before breakfast and reality set back in — it was his going away party. He had to get home to pack. No hard feelings. He moved to a different continent that day and I guess that’s the story. We haven’t talked about it since, we were very drunk that night. I am not sure if he sees it as a mistake, because I know he had a boyfriend (uh-oh). So I also didn’t bring it up out of courtesy in case his partner reads his messages. I guess it’s just something that happened and nobody will ever know about it. (Except you all now).
Did it change me? I’m not sure. It did answer a few questions for me. I always thought that even though I find guys attractive, I wasn’t sure if I could ever sleep with one. Well that question now got answered. I can. And I can like it. Another interesting reflection is if I would enjoy giving oral to a man or being penetrated. In all honesty, it’s nothing I am super keen on trying out I have to say. Especially penetration, it seems like a major step to me. Just the thought is already so intense and I feel quite vulnerable just thinking about being penetrated. That’s some hardcore stuff. Kudos to all the girls out there who learned how to take a dick at such a young age. I couldn’t imagine that. If I really think about why it scares me, it comes down to vulnerability. Would I ever consider having a boyfriend after this experience? I guess if I meet a guy and it just works that could be quite fun. But I would need to become a bit more comfortable with the thought of being with a guy in all scenarios (private and public life). I also like girls, so I guess I will continue doing that for a while. Unless I see a guy who looks really cute. Then the story continues…