No ‘experts’, no one-size-fits-all advice, just the truth about how to improve your sex life delivered straight from people like you, to you.
Today we’re going to try something new. We are simply going to share what has brought real change to people’s sex lives and let the data speak for itself.
Some of the ideas are remarkably out there (cue sex on LSD), and some of the ideas are what you may expect. Take the time to review them all and consider what you haven’t already considered. Ultimately, if you leave here with the resolve to try one of these ideas, we will chalk that up as a win. At the very least, bask in the fun sexy times of reading about what has worked for others.
For the record, we don’t endorse one strategy over another. For example, we would have a tough time standing behind the promotion of taking LSD and having sex. Nevertheless, this is what has worked for people who were part of the survey.
And who might these people be? 57 young adults from a previous survey we conducted, all between the ages of 24 and 45, 60% are male and 80% of them identify as straight. We’ve also got a handful of heteroflexibles, bis, pansexuals, sapiosexuals, queers and demisexuals in the mix. These are real people who are sharing the actions that have actually moved the needle for them. It’s that simple.
The following ideas of awesomeness are only possible because decent people took a small slice of time out of their day to share their experiences with us. In order for us to continue to offer insight into intimate relationships, we need you to please donate a few minutes right now and fill out our new survey so we can all learn, move forward and keep the sexy times rolling.
And now, on to the insights. We’ve bucketed the responses into two categories. The first is common responses, ranked by prevalence. For each of the common responses, there is a bit more detail about how you can approach these ideas in case you want to get started.
The second bucket is the fringe responses. This is often one person’s idea or action that has really helped them, but this approach was not shared by anyone else. Just because they’re alone in their response does not mean it’s not a worthy idea. Instead of sending all these responses to an internet wasteland, we were feeling adventurous and figured we would share them. It’s important to keep in mind that we are all incredibly unique when it comes to sexuality, no two are truly alike. So we are simply offering up the information and leave the resonating and sampling up to you. Without further adieu, here we go…
The common responses that actually helped people improve their intimate lives.
Talk To Your Partner 30%
Where’s the shocker emoji when you need it? Believe it or not, talking to your partner ranked as the most common activity attributed to helping people improve their intimate lives. Where to start, you may say? Well, some of our participants said asking their partner for feedback or simply what they like was a great place to kick things off. Creating a space to have that conversation with your partner is important and it may be a little awkward initially if the two of you don’t normally have those types of conversations. You could start by sharing what you like in order to demonstrate that you’re willing to get vulnerable. You could also share your insecurities and anxieties. Or you could ask them how they feel when you do that thing with your with your nose or elbow 😉 Many of your peers are grateful they made it over that initial communication hurdle. One awkward conversation with your partner can have the potential to spark an endless universe of connection and sexual exploration. So consider opening those lines of communication, it might just be the best way to Sherlock Holmes your way to your partner’s heart.
Sexual Exploration — With or Without Partner 28%
Become the Ernest Shackleton of your desires. Go forth, where no hipster hath gone before. Our friends cited curiosity, following desires, role playing, exploring kink, public sex and attending sex and orgy parties as concrete ways to kick up the exploration. Sometimes strangeness or newness is what we need to make the change we want, and most of us can have a tough time getting this from the same old same old. Plenty of young adults are now looking into experimenting with ‘monogamish’ or open relationship styles to allow for honesty, trust and transparency to be baked into the adventure experience. Sadly, most exploration today includes an element of going behind your current partner’s back. It doesn’t have to be that way, there are a plethora of outlets to explore safely and responsibly together. A ‘2nd base party’ where you simply make out with other patrons (nothing more and nothing less) could be the gateway drug to getting things started.
Read Books, Blogs And Articles 18%
Lincoln famously said, “Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe”. What ‘axe’ do YOU think he was really talking about here? We like books and articles ourselves. Reading is a wonderful way to expand your horizons by digesting the thoughts and philosophies of people who spent a long time thinking about the ideas they are sharing with you. If you’re up for stories to bring more empathy into your intimate life, then we’ve got your back. Over here at cambyo, we go through intimacy books like Brooklyn goes through kale. Here are three you may want to consider given their ‘needle moving’ qualities.
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. Main takeaway: The map that most of us have inherited about the world of intimacy and how we fit in that world does not match the terrain. If we are able to break down the barriers that a sex-negative culture has imposed on us, we can start to see and accept that we are all wonderfully unique and normal.
Sex At Dawn by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha. Main takeaway: Being attracted to other humans outside of your relationship is natural, so we should keep this in mind in our relationships. We should look at monogamy as choice, just like many people choose to be vegetarian. And just because you choose to abstain from eating meat does not mean that bacon won’t continue to smell great.
The Erotic Mind by Jack Morin. Main takeaway: “In eroticism, as in life, free choice increases with consciousness. One of the major benefits of identifying your core erotic theme is that once you know what it is, how it formed, and what it’s trying to accomplish, you can begin to work with it and coax it in directions consistent with where you wish to go. Those who simply act out their impulses blindly are the least free of all.” — The bauce, Jack Morin himself.
Have More Sex 16%
For some people, learning by doing is how they’ve made improvements in their sex lives. This idea is pretty simple. To become a better cook, it takes guidance and practice, becoming a better lover is possibly the same thing. Yet we often reject this notion that sex and relationships are things we can improve with intention. The data shows that we can. If it’s a priority for you, you may want to consider scheduling in the time to make sure it happens with frequency. Get your reps up. Simply being open to adopting what Carol Dweck calls the ‘growth mindset’ with regards to your intimate life could be the impetus you need to not view yourself as broken just because everything isn’t going your way.
Talk To Friends 12%
Next time you’re in the middle of a nice dinnertime conversation with your trusted friends, tell them about the sex you had in your partner’s dad’s Mercedes in a Burger King parking lot. Or perhaps your deepest insecurities, questionings or longings when it comes to sex and relationships. You may find yourself shocked at the information and riveting conversation to follow. You could even go so far as hosting a dinner party where you have the specific intention of discussion certain aspects of intimacy. We do it regularlyand it’s an incredibly rewarding experience. There is a lot to gain from a simple exchange of information and beliefs as you may find truly hidden gems in your closest friends’s minds. Disclaimer: it’s important to know your audience on this one 😉
Multiple Partners 11%
Specifically, having sex with a diverse group of interesting people is one of the ways people learn about intimacy and develop their sexual intelligence. Much like we are changed forever when we travel to a new and strange land, or read an amazing fiction book. We are also transformed by engaging romantically with new/different/interesting people. This is not an open invitation to get nasty with whomever you please, although if that’s your thing, then go get it. It’s more about exploring with intention. The more fringe or crazy or different the experience, the greater expansion of your emotional (and zexual) awareness. It’s important to note that there are respectful and disrespectful approaches to engaging with multiple partners. We’re big fans of the honest, transparent and well-intentioned philosophy.
Sex Coach + Therapy 7%
If Tiger Woods needs a coach for golf then one should consider a coach for their… Ah poor analogy choice. Forgive us for the crassness, let’s try that again. Relationships are really hard. Our boy Alain de Botton said that marriage may be the most ambitious undertaking human beings take on in their lives. So if most of us see an opportunity for improvement in our intimate lives, then why the eff aren’t we soliciting assistance for the most ambitious endeavours we will ever embark on? If you want to find coaches who are a great fit for you, we got you covered on this front. And if you got offended by the Tiger Woods comment, then you’ll definitely want to keep reading…
Eliminating Stigma 5%
If you still get triggered by the words herpes, BDSM, kink, orgies, polyamory, HIV, homosexual, cheating, premarital sex and threesomes, then this section is for you as there is likely work to be done. One of our heroes, Emily Nagoski, says the largest problem we collectively have with sexuality is that the ‘map’ we each have of what we think our own sexuality should be is all crunked up, and that we can overcome many of our own obstacles by simply adjusting our map to more accurately reflect the truth about our sexuality. And what’s one of the main contributors to the messiness of our personal maps? Stigma and taboo, usually impressed on us by society.
Way back when, a man by the name of Ralph Waldo Emerson observed people leading lives based on tradition, limited by religious forms and social habits. No one could be themselves because they were all too busy being what they were supposed to be. He felt that if you could get rid of the burdens — the past, religion, social forms, then each person could find out who they truly were. It may be worthwhile taking some time to reflect on some of the burdens you could remove from you own live.
Side note: eliminating stigma is also a byproduct of communication, conversations with friends, coaching and reading. But based on the way we collected the data, we counted it at 5% based on the amount of people that specifically mentioned it.
Take Care Of Yourself 5%
Specifically making sure you adequately address sleep, diet and exercise. Time to get all Richard Simmons on dat ass. The body is a system, in order to feel good and thrive, one must take care of the whole system. Three good places to start are sleep, diet and exercise. If any of these are not nailed, or perhaps there is too much stress in your life, then it’s going to be incredibly difficult to address the primary obstacles in your intimate life head on. If you’re not nailing these three pillars currently, we strongly urge you to consider starting your journey here. Most people have a tough time even having sexy thoughts occur if they don’t establish a baseline of feeling good.
Sex Exercises 4%
Tantra, Kama Sutra, kegels, multi-orgasmic practice, starting and stopping when you pee, and lifting heavy objects with your vagina. The list of exercises are endless. Regardless of the efficacy of each exercise, it’s still more time and intention towards this aspect of your life. Whether or not there is placebo accompanying these exercises, they seem to help some people.
Seriously, participating in surveys and learning about how you fit into the overall picture was a common answer. Now participate in our survey so we can keep the sexy times rolling.
And now for the fringe ideas and approaches that helped people improve their intimate lives.
Give ’em a good hard look. Think of it as a free garage sale from the cambyo community. Take what you please. Discard the rest. Enjoy.
- Becoming a better strip dancer (and dancing for myself)
- Dancing on my own and taking dance classes
- Focusing on pleasure and becoming pre-game centric
- Wearing lingerie
- Attending Quodoushka workshops
- Reading poetry
- Being myself
- Smoking. Note: it is unclear exactly what they smoked, but they smoked something.
- Sex on LSD. “It worked amazing and was a spiritual experience that opened up a new form of love making that I then realized was very similar to Tantra” — person who answered ‘Sex on LSD’
- Attending OneTaste events and workshops
- Using OMGYes to learn more about the female anatomy and orgasm
- Developing myself more generally aka personal development
- Instructional porn. We like XConfessions, you may want to give that a gander. It still is porn, so definitely NSFW.
That’s all folks. Hope this information has served you well on your journey. If you found this post insightful hit the ‘heart’ so other people on Medium will find it. Subscribe to cambyo so that your friends can get their ‘jam’ on as well. Was this useful to you? Let us know! Please comment below if there is something you’d like us to address in our Insights series going forward.